Do It

{do it}
fear. fear has kept me silent for so long. even as i type this i feel afraid. but what will people think of me? what if what i have to say doesn’t really matter? what if it doesn’t make a difference? what if it doesn’t mean anything? it has taken me a long time to get to this very page. i’ve put it off and i’ve made excuses and i’ve distracted myself by doing other things. anything other than writing. but the words keep coming and my brain keeps spinning. i feel like i have so much to say. but fear. has pushed the words away and sealed my lips, trapping a thousand characters and a dream inside. i see all these other writers out there, releasing their words to the world and every time i can’t help but think, “i wish that was me.” “i wish i could do that.” but see, here’s the thing---i can. i’ve just been so afraid. i want to talk about mental health. what it’s like to live with anxiety. how depression feels. what the journey of medication looks like. therapy. healing. pressing in to Jesus in pain. praising when you haven’t come out on the other side yet. moments where heaven comes to earth. moments where it doesn’t, and still we persist. i want to share my stories and the things that i’m thinking. i want to talk about education in america and my dreams for the future. i’m tired of hiding. i’m tired of putting pieces of myself on the shelf. i want to really be me. i want to embrace the passions God has given me. i want to stop waiting for “the right moment,” for “the dust to settle” on my mental health. i want to know what it looks like to live fully alive, in this moment. i want to be free. i don’t just want to live, i want to be alive. and this is where i’ll start. write. release. write. release. i don’t even know what i want to say or when i’ll write again. i just know that i needed to do this. that there are words i want to share with people. i don’t know the details. i’m just trying my best.

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